Fellow bloggers, esteemed visitors and VIPs — today I embark on a subject that has somehow avoided all publicity. A subject shrouded in mystery. If you search, you will find no answers at Yahoo. There is no Wikipedia article. Nor are there songs, nor film. This is a subject undiscussed. One only pondered upon in the rear of deep, meditative…uh, odd and bizarre minds.
Drum roll please…… here are__
The Troubling Truths of a Dude Taking a Piss.
First We Must Examine Biology
To the arm-chair pee philosopher it would seem to be simple logic that all a guy need do is Point n’ Shoot. However(!), to all the ladies of the world let me be the one to attest that this is in fact not true.
Male urination is a fine art of balance, anticipation, control, judgment and mental readiness; a skill that only comes through years of painstaking practice, discipline and hard work. We are trained Jedi. We are akin to ninjas. And yes(!), admittedly — as in every pursuit of perfection, we will on occasion — fail. It’s a tricky science.
Picture a fire-hose, for example. In those first two seconds where shooting water bursts forward in a standing start, the best that the firefighters can do is grab on and hold on tight. At times there is pressure and sometimes there isn’t. “Will it trickle? ” or “Will it explode forth?” These are unique physical puzzles that one cannot rely on pure wit to solve. In a quick blurry moment it is reflex alone that will guide this fire quenching projection. And this is just the tip of the iceberg (or the wick on the candle).
Picture your garden-variety garden-hose. A fairly straight-forward tool. If one were to put one’s thumb over the nozzle, one could squeeze varying speeds of projection. Perhaps you’d like a relaxing fan of fine mist, or maybe a strong shot of high-pressure stream. With your thumb you have this control. But what if the design was a little less basic? On your hose — imagine removing the open metal nozzle and swapping in soft rubber flaps instead. This hose is utilitarian. This hose has to work in a number of environments. This hose must complete a couple different tasks. With various conditions, you never can really tell how your soft nozzle will react. It is likely that its soft maw might naturally recreate that thumb-variance action — without any warning at all. And with no method of self-control. These are the makings for disaster for even the most trained veteran.
And Next — Style and Scenario
In public situations you may find yourself needing to get the job done whilst standing next to another fella. With fears of perversion or twinges of homophobia, you might feel most comfortable slightly angling away from your chummy neighbor. This throws all new variables into the equation! Consider the shape of the urinal, the angle of the shot, and the velocity. These are complicated elements of physics that I’m sure even Einstein would have struggled with. If you want to walk out of that restroom without having pissed on yourself, you’d better be whipping through those mental calculations quickly.
In intimate environments — say in a home when there may be someone within ear-shot — some guys (take my cousin for example) have no problems letting it rip with the door wide open, plunging deep into toilet bowl waters. Personally I more enjoy aiming for that little piece of porcelain just above the water line and somewhat below the lip of the basin. This is the ninja-piss — a stealth method of relieving yourself. With all of the aforementioned variables, this method can be sometimes difficult, and mayhap only the most experienced and wisest of piss pals would pull it off without fail.
Now if all that sounds complicated — just imagine yourself taking care of business at night, having just stumbled out of a deep sleep at 4 in the morning. Not wanting to disorient yourself with high-powered lights, perhaps you might opt to shoot blind — or at least by the dim strength of a small night light. This, my friends, is reserved only for the elite and requires all of your cunning — all of your intuition — all of your listening powers — and all of your sense of sensation. The slightest miscalculation could very easily spell doom for your floor, your magazine rack, or worse, your foot. Troublesome indeed!
Ladies! It’s not as easy as you may think — and certainly not just Point n’ Shoot. So next time your dude pisses all over the place… maybe you could cut him a break.
